In Which We Wonder
by Revolutionary Venom
Summary: Why is it that we continue to ponder about things that have happened, even after we become Nobodies?
1. Lexaeus' Faith

Hai thar!

Okay, first off, this takes place in Xanrivash's KH universe, like most of my other ones do. HOWEVER, this one doesn't go under the list of short stories. Explanation at the end

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><p>It was one of those rare days in The World That Never Was that Lexaeus, The Silent Hero of Organization XIII, didn't have a mission among one of the many worlds out there. Usually, he was sent on missions where his strength was required.<p>

Not to say that Lexaeus was stupid or anything. He had originally been one of Ansem the Wise's apprentices as his Other Aeleus, part of the apprenticeship being a scientist. But he had also been a guard of the castle in Radiant Garden, something that had meant more to him than that of being a scientist. It had meant that there was someone who depended on him, especially after Ienzo was brought to the castle.

Shaking his head, Lex sighed. Here he was, sitting in his room, thinking about a time long ago passed, of the time of Aeleus. It wasn't something he normally did…but all this remembering brought back a memory of a certain person he had once met…

_Aeleus was walking through the town square of Radiant Garden, wondering what he should do on his day off. Ansem had insisted that he trade guard shifts with Braig for the day, seeing as he hadn't taken a day off in over six months and had been working extra hard with Even on all sorts of projects._

_He watched as children ran around the square, playing as their mothers or fathers watched them from bench seats or outdoor café seats. The larger man smiled. Radiant Garden was one of the worlds that was safe to let children run around the town square and not worry about their safety, beyond that of a skinned knee. _

_Aeleus suddenly heard his stomach growl…rather loudly at that. Suddenly remembering that he had only eaten a meager breakfast much earlier that morning, he looked away from the playing children and towards the area of a specific café. But…there was something odd about it._

_The outside area of this particular one was completely devoid of any life when the outside of all the eateries were usually full on nice weather days. The only person that sat outside was an older male, who looked to be somewhere between fifty and sixty, dressed completely in black, reading a book while picking at his meal._

_Aeleus wondered why this man was the only one outside with his meal. The man didn't seem like he was intimidating, but perhaps that was just to the guard; it wasn't everyday that a citizen would be wearing all black and Aeleus didn't see the man as intimidating, but then again, he was used to people being scared of himself merely for his size._

_As he continued to inspect the man, he noticed a few things about him that he hadn't noticed before. One of them being that he had a collar around his neck like the Catholic priests did. Another was the golden cross that hung around the man's neck._

_Now, while religion wasn't the biggest thing in Radiant Garden, since magic and science took up most of the space, there were still those who believed in religions of other places. The only reason Aeleus knew that the man was a Roman Catholic was because he had come from a world as a kid that the whole structure was based on. Unfortunately, he had been so young that he didn't really remember much about the religion and had immediately picked up on the teachings of magic and science, which had eventually led him to becoming an apprentice to Ansem the Wise._

Lexaeus shook his head again. It had been so long ago…why was this coming back now?

_Sitting across from the older man after being invited over, Aeleus could now see why people thought he might think of the priest as intimidating, despite the air of gaiety that he had in his demeanor and aura. Said priest had a jagged scar on the right side of his face that went from his hairline, over his eye, and almost to his jaw. The color of his eye had changed, perhaps because of whatever or whomever had done the damage in the first place; his normal eye was a sapphire blue color while the damaged one was much paler in comparison._

"_Wondering why people don't approach me often?" the priest asked, a little bit of humor in his voice. Aeleus slowly nodded, thinking he had an idea._

"_The eye scares them. Some people believe that those with different colors of eyes are those who share their presence with demons. And considering that I'm a priest…well, that thought just doesn't help much. Coming from a different world probably does not help either."_

_Well, there was an answer that Aeleus did and did not expect. _

"_Do you ever wonder why people don't approach you often?" the priest asked._

_Once again, something Aeleus wasn't expecting. "Well…not really," he said. "I always figured it was because of my size…I came here when I was young, so I don't remember if anyone did approach me or not in my home world…and most of my time here has been spent studying, so I don't see others that often. Or at least, I didn't until I became one of Ansem the Wise's apprentices."_

Lexaeus couldn't remember what the priest had said about that (or the next few bits of conversation), but the next bit that he could remember was something he would never forget, in either his existences.

_Aeleus suddenly realized something. "I don't believe I've caught your name."_

"_Father Alexander Stone," he answered. Rising from his seat, he reached for the heavy-looking gold cross around his neck and took it off. Placing it around Aeleus' neck, he smiled. "Something for you to remember our encounter Aeleus."_

_The other man looked shocked. "How did you know my name?" _

_Father Stone chuckled. "Not everything has to be communicated in words…and what words we do use, we make them meaningful." He just smiled when he saw the blank look on Aeleus' face. "You said you were one of Ansem the Wise's apprentices, and there's only one that fits your description." _

The only other thing that Lexaeus could remember from that encounter was the priest waving goodbye as he went to help a child up from where she had fallen, crying over a skinned up arm. And then he realized something strange about that event…from that day onward, unless he felt the need to, Aeleus had been more on the quieter side than he had been before. The only people he ever felt the need to converse with were Dilan and Ienzo, once Ienzo gained the courage to start talking with other people once his father had died.

Reaching into his night table drawer, he pulled out the souvenir from that day; the heavy golden cross in which was entrusted to him. Inspecting it, he wondered why Aeleus had kept it. Had he really needed it? His Other had more belief in the science and magic that took place than that of the Roman Catholic faith, so why did he keep what the priest had given him?

_Perhaps…it was because my Other was lonely,_ Lexaeus thought. _Who did Aeleus have to turn to, besides that of the other apprentices? Or maybe…he believed the priest was meant to meet him? Isn't that what they call 'fate'?_

It was something that was going to bother the Silent Hero for awhile. That he was sure of.

* * *

><p>Lexaeus sat outside the rooms in which Eight, Nine, and Thirteen had all been treated in.<p>

He couldn't get the images out of his head. After receiving word that the infamous trio had been in a car accident, he had gone to the scene to rescue Thirteen and Nine, the Silent Hero believing that he was prepared for whatever was there since Eight hadn't appeared to be in too bad of shape (at least, from the quick glance Lexaeus had managed to get).

But he was wrong.

Seeing the Key of Destiny was one thing, especially with two of his fingers missing, but the Melodious Nocturne…

After seeing so much blood, coming from that one body, sprayed all over the inside of the car on the driver's side, Lexaeus was amazed that Nine had managed to survive, despite the fact that he was currently in critical condition. Vexen, Zexion, and Fifteen had done what they could with the trio. Now all there was to do was play the waiting game, see who woke up first, if at all.

"Lexaeus? What are you still doing here?"

The Silent Hero looked up to see Zexion before him. "I'm worried."

Zexion sighed. "Get some rest," he suggested. "It will take some time for any kind of results to happen. You have been here since you brought them in. Your part is over."

Lexaeus stood from his seat. "…perhaps I should." With that, he created a portal back to his own room, going through before the thing finished forming.

When Five arrived in his quarters, he realized just how tired he was. But at the same time, he wasn't. Laying down on the bed, Lexaeus kicked off his boots and just let them fall to the ground next to the bed. Staring up at the ceiling, his thoughts began to wander.

_In times such as these, who can one talk to? Is there someone who watches over Nobodies, the same as any normal being in other worlds?_ Lexaeus thought. _If there is, do they ever make their presence known? How?_

Rolling over onto his side, he caught a glimpse of something hanging out of the corner of his night table drawer. Reaching a hand out to open it and see what it was, he pulled said object out-

-and wondered if this was some answer to his question.

The chain of the golden cross given to him so many years ago had been sticking out of his drawer. Lexaeus brought the cross close to himself, thinking.

…_perhaps no matter what one believes, there is someone out there somewhere that will listen and understand…is that why I kept this as my Other? Did Aeleus understand? Or did he keep this because he was lonely and he one day hoped there would be someone to understand his…my thoughts?_

Perhaps…there was a sacred place in this world, or even around the castle, in which Lexaeus could go to. But where? Memory's Skyscraper was not a particularly good place, seeing as Heartless were always there, the Hall of Empty Melodies was Nine's dominion, the library Zexion's (and a bit too impersonal anyway), and so many other places of the castle that Lexaeus couldn't even name or felt that they were too impersonal.

Then it hit him. The Alter of Naught, the so-called sacred place in which the Superior often went to gaze upon the heart-shaped moon. But…what would happen if he was caught in Xemnas' sanctuary? Lexaeus doubted that he would be turned into a dusk, but he didn't know what the punishment would be either.

Sighing, he clutched the cross in one hand while opening a portal with the other…

**…**

Lexaeus got down to his knees, looking up at Kingdom Hearts and what there was of her. She was nowhere near complete, but the fact that there was this heart-shaped moon in the sky was a step closer to their goal of one day achieving their hearts again. It had taken over ten years so far; how much longer?

But that wasn't why he was here, to contemplate the completion like their Superior often did. No, it was much more personal than that.

He gazed up at the heart-shaped moon, the golden cross from the priest still clutched tightly in one hand…and for once in his life as a Nobody, started to talk with no other members around to listen.

"…I don't know who can be listening to me right now…whether it is the God of the Catholic faith I followed as a child, the heart-shaped moon that we Nobodies call Kingdom Hearts that holds our salvation at one day receiving our own hearts again, or even a third party that may be watching…" A prayer from a very long time ago suddenly popped into the Silent Hero's head, and though he couldn't remember it all, it seemed to fit the current situation that three of the Organization members now fell under.

"Whoever is listening to this creature that falls so low on the scale of life, please, listen to me…Eight, Nine, and Thirteen…no, Axel, Demyx, and Roxas, three of our members who treat each other with a bond unlike any of the other Organization members, have all fallen victim to a horrible misfortune." He paused, trying to remember all of said prayer and hoped that he had it right as he bowed his head and closed his eyes.

"Guardian Angel,  
>watch over those whose names you can read in my heart.<br>Guard over them with every care  
>and make their way easy and their labours fruitful.<br>Dry their tears if they weep;  
>sanctify their joys;<br>raise their courage if they weaken;  
>restore their hope if they lose heart,<br>their health if they be ill,  
>truth if they err,<br>repentance if they fail."

Looking back up at Kingdom Hearts, he felt that this was the only thing he could do.

After a few moments, he noticed that his vision was a little blurry. Rubbing his eyes, he noticed that what had been clouding his sight was…tears?

When Lexaeus realized that, he did something he hadn't done since the day he became a Nobody.

He cried.

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><p>AN: A few things that I didn't mention but am now!

1) The first half of the story takes place shortly after Roxas joins the Organization. The divider line signifies that it takes place during "Aftermath", a story written by Xanrivash in which the infamous trio of Axel, Roxas, and Demyx get into a car wreck while on a mission. The Organization is also changed from XIII to XV because two OC's of the original author had joined

2) The priest is actually based off of Auron from FFX. Don't know the bad-ass? Go look him up!

3) An idea such as Lexaeus being Catholic before becoming an apprentice actually came from the AU oneshot of Xanrivash's called "The Prodigal Sons". Lexaeus was a Catholic priest in it who went by Father Stone. Actually, probably this whole story was derived from that oneshot

Anyway, I'm debating on whether or not to do stories that revolve around something with each of the members of the Organization, hence why this didn't go under my "KH Xanrivash Short Stories". Reviews would help me decide! :D


	2. Xigbar's Reflection

There once lived a noble character by the name of Braig. He had a lot going for him as a youngster, college scholarship, a loving girlfriend, and parents that were a little nut bars when it came to political and religious issues. The world was open to him with all its possibilities.

Xigbar snorted. That had been so long ago, before he had even met the old man who had made him take on his battles for him.

Before Ansem the Wise.

Before high school graduation.

Before his girlfriend had shown up with news.

Before his parents kicked him out of his house for knocking a girl up at the age of seventeen.

…before Lily.

The older man sighed. _It's that time of the year again,_ he thought, changing from the typical Organization XV attire he normally wore around the castle and on missions, to older jeans, a red flannel shirt, an old warm jacket, and winter boots. Once changed, he created a portal.

Where Xigbar was going, he wouldn't be needing protection from the Heartless.

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><p>Some time had passed and Xigbar now found himself in a familiar spot in the town that he had once called home, standing beneath a weeping willow tree in a graveyard.<p>

The older Nobody could see where he needed to go from here. A smaller section of the graveyard was towards his left, in plain view from where he stood a bouquet of Casablanca Lilies in one hand. Taking a deep breath and releasing it, Xigbar started down the path set for him.

The Freeshooter had walked this path a few times every year ever since it had happened and it never got any better, despite the number of years that had passed. In the beginning, it had been much, much harder to visit, but…while it hadn't gotten easier, it didn't hurt quite as much as it did the first five years or so after.

Passing the other headstones with little lambs engraved into them, Xigbar could finally see what he had been looking for; a headstone that was smaller than the rest near the corner. Placing the flowers on the grave, Xigbar got to his knees and just looked at the dates on the slab.

Five years and some change…was that really the only amount of time he had gotten to spend with her? Sometimes, when Xigbar really thought about it, that amount of time seemed so incredibly short when compared to how old he was. He sometimes couldn't believe that this had occurred in his lifespan, given every event that had happened.

"...hey sweet pea. It's been awhile, hasn't it?" Xigbar said, addressing the grave. "I'm sorry I didn't come during the Flower Festival this year. Your old man ran into some pretty bad stuff...it's your birthday today. I bet you thought I forgot, but I couldn't ever forget it. You would get so excited because it was almost Christmas and your birthday...I hope Mommy is with you, throwing you a party or something fun...sometimes...Daddy wishes he could be with you again, just to see you be happy-"

And the tears began. The woman that he had loved so long ago never had gotten to meet her own child; shortly after the birth, the mother had died due to complications. So all there had ever been was Braig and his sweet baby girl.

"...I-I wonder what you would think of me if you were here, sweet pea. I'm not...where I thought life would take me, but...I've seen a lot. Other worlds, talking animals like from your old books…incredibly gifted people…but if I…" Xigbar sniffled and wiped the tears away from his eye. "…if I could exchange all of that to have you back, I would in a heartbeat. But then again…I don't have a heart anymore…"

He sat in silence for a few moments, just thinking over everything that had involved his child; her birth, those first twelve months of being alone with her in a tiny apartment, trying to juggle a job at a delivery business while being both a mother and father, the grandparents on both sides not answering any calls for help or even acknowledging either of their lives…

That was probably one of the things that killed Xigbar the most. His own parents had wanted nothing to do with him or their grandchild until the day of her funeral, while his girlfriend's parents had snobby lifestyles and wanted nothing to do with the little family until the day that the mother of his child died. They had taken her away from him, held the funeral, and had forbidden him or the child to come, thus infuriating him. There wasn't much he could do at the time however, and even now, he had no idea what would've happened if he had done something rash.

The Nobody took a deep breath and sighed, wiping his eye again. "I-I love you sweet pea. I'll be back around New Year's. I'll even bring birdseed to leave out so that you can have the birdies visit you, like how you used to feed them so you could play with them. M-Merry Christmas…and Happy Birthday."  
>Standing up from his seat, the older man looked up at the sky to see that it had become very overcast and was even starting to snow a little.<p>

…_I need a drink._

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><p>Xigbar didn't usually drink alone. It wasn't that he didn't like the occasional Ziegenbach or even rum and coke alone, it was just when alcohol usually was involved, it brought the other members of the Organization or random members of the opposite sex into the mix.<p>

But today was a solemn day of reflection, regret, and pondering on what his life could've been if he hadn't lost his only child.

"This seat taken?"

Xigbar huffed. The whole bar was vacant, why would someone want to sit next to him? "No, but I'm not feeling up for company."

"Good, neither am I at the moment." Xigbar could hear the scuffling of the barstool being pulled back and the man next to him giving his order to the bartender.

The older Nobody sighed and looked at the person next to him. Xigbar couldn't really tell the sound in his voice came from, since there were so many worlds and places this guy could've come from, but it sounded…old. Maybe old wasn't the right word, maybe ancient? It wasn't even that, but Xigbar couldn't think of the right word. This man however, certainly didn't even look that old; he looked like he was in his early to mid-thirties, brown hair, kinda tall, but nothing unusual about him.

Then, the man turned to look Xigbar in the eye.

_Holy fuck.  
><em>

It was clear by just the look in those eyes that this person had seen a lot in his lifetime, and Xigbar could plainly see a lot of hurt lingering somewhere in there.

There was something else too, almost like this person was mourning over a loss.

The bartender came back with the man's drink and left swiftly. "So…why are you here at this time of year?" the male asked, swirling the drink in the glass a little.

"Why the fuck do you care? You don't even know me," Xigbar answered, going back to his own beer.

"I might not, but you look like you're going through a tough time," the other answered. "Fighting with family or something?"

Xigbar snorted. _I only wish it were that simple_. "Reliving a memory is more like it," he finally answered.

The other male smiled a tiny bit. "That seems to be what life is," he said, taking a drink. "A lifetime of regrets, things to wonder about, whether we did the right or wrong thing at a certain point in time, or anything else." He sighed. "I especially hate the holidays like this."

"…well, if we're both gonna be fuckin' miserable during the holidays, wanna swap stories of why?" Xigbar finally asked. The man was starting to become interesting. By the look on his face and in his eyes, the Nobody was sure that the other had plenty of interesting stories.

The man smirked. "Only if you go first."

Xigbar took a long swig of his beer. "I lost my only kid when she was a little over five years old. I was only twenty two and…no one wanted to help me after that. Not like anyone did before, since both sets of grandparents didn't care about our lives enough to fucking help out. I was a single parent pretty much from day one…her mother died not too long after she was born."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the other said, sounding very sincere. "Losing loved ones, young or old, isn't easy."

"It didn't stop there with my girlfriend," Xigbar said. "And it was…pretty much how Lily, my daughter, died that really gets me sometimes. We had just finished up some errands and were going home. She was really excited to watch some movie that I bought her as a treat for getting good marks in kindergarten that month…I remember sitting at a red light, listening to the radio, and going when the light was green but…after that, all I remember is waking up in the ER, some doctor saying we were in an accident. I had a broken arm, a few bruised ribs, bumps and bruises…but…" Xigbar was starting to choke up a little. "My baby girl spent a week in pediatric ICU before she finally died…with her favorite stuffed animal in her arms and me watching her…"

The two men sat in silence for a few moments. "What happened after that?" the man asked, taking another drink. "Obviously, you're still here."

"…I spent a few years drunk," Xigbar said, beginning to wonder why he agreed to tell this story in the first place. Then again, this man was very easy to talk to, and was an unbiased party, unlike the others in the Organization since they already knew Xigbar. "I just…I couldn't face it. I spent so much time in and out of bars that I don't remember much of that time. Then…one day, I went to one particular one that a jazz band was playing at. I just remember going because all of the other places had kicked me out for one reason or another that night. And…I met someone who helped me. Went by the name of Ansem the Wise."

"…I've heard that name," the man said. "He was pretty influential, if I remember correctly. Was considered the unofficial ruler of the town, so the story goes."

"He actually did have a title," Xigbar corrected. "It was 'sage-king', which I never fuckin' figured out what that meant. But anyway, he liked jazz a lot and happened to be at that bar at the right place and right time. Ansem…pretty much took me in and I worked for him."

"He sounds like an incredible human being," the other said. "Not many would deal with someone that is considered an alcoholic." The man took some money out of his pocket and set it on the bar. "That should cover both of ours. Now, come on, I have something for you."

Well, _this_ didn't raise any alarm bells or anything. "Wait, what the hell? I don't even know you, what the fuck are you-"

The man grinned. "Just trust me." 

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><p><em>Kingdom Hearts on a hot dog bun…<em>

It was the park that Xigbar used to take Lily to when he felt like she needed some fresh air or she begged to go play on the swings and merry-go-round. The ground was snow covered, the trees bare, but Xigbar could see the playground equipment had recently been played with due to the absence of snow on some spots.

"…where the hell are we?" Xigbar finally asked.

"You know the answer already," the man said. "You've been in this time and place before…actually, I believe there is a little girl over by the bushes who is lost."

Xigbar listened and heard something. It did indeed sound like a small child crying. He went over to the bushes and pulled them apart.

If he would've had a heart, it would've stopped in shock.

There was a small girl, dark brown hair in a short, messy braid, wearing a little pink jacket, jeans, sneakers, and a white t-shirt with a heart design. She had been crying, and still was when she heard her hiding spot being discovered. The child looked up at him, teary bright blue eyes staring back into his one.

Xigbar could've fainted from seeing his little girl again, healthy and whole. But since he didn't want to scare her, he just smiled instead. "Hey kiddo," he greeted. "What are you doing in the bushes? Did you get lost?" She didn't answer, not that Xigbar was expecting her to. He had always emphasized to her that she shouldn't talk to strangers when she was starting to talk and run around. "My name's Xigbar. What's yours?"

"…Lily," she finally said, sniffling. "I got wost…Daddy said he was on da' bench but I wooked an' he's gone…" She started crying again.

"Hey, it's ok kiddo, we'll find him," Xigbar promised, holding his hand out to her. "Come on out of the bushes and we'll go look for him, ok?" This situation was starting to sound familiar, but Xigbar couldn't put his finger on it as she took his hand and he helped her out. She held on firmly to his hand, wiping her eyes with her free hand.

"Where was the last place you saw your dad?" Xigbar asked. He chuckled a little when he watched her scrunch her face up in thought; he hadn't seen that look in years and used to think it was so adorable when she would make that face.

"Daddy was goin' to tha' benches," she said, pointing to a few places to sit close to the play area. "But he wasn't there when I wooked."

"Then how about we go over there and sit for a little while?" Xigbar suggested. "He might have had to do something and will be back in a few minutes." When she nodded, he led her over to the benches and they each had a seat. "What's your dad look like?"

"…bwown haiw an' eyes…" she started, still sniffling a little. "Taww….he says he's skinny, but I dunno what that means-"

"Lily?!"

Xigbar started panicking on the inside. That voice he recognized anywhere, it was _his_. From when he was much younger, sure, but it was him.

"DADDY!" Lily exclaimed, getting up and running to the younger Xigbar, aka Braig. Xigbar turned his head to look and-

_Holy shit_.

Braig picked up Lily and cuddled her. "Where did you wander off to?"

"I din't!" She protested. "I couln't find you! You went poof!" She waved her arms to add emphasis. Braig laughed. "Well sweet pea, you hungry? We haven't had lunch yet-"

"You gotsta meet my fwiend! He he'ped me find you!" Lily said excitedly.

"Oh yeah? Where is your friend?"

Lily looked over to the benches to find them empty. "He was thewe…he wooked wike a piwate."

Braig laughed. "It's ok sweet pea, I'm sure he's somewhere. Now c'mon, let's get some lunch, ok?" 

* * *

><p>Xigbar watched as his younger self carried the little girl away to get something to eat, having that all too familiar feeling of being abandoned.<p>

As soon as the word 'daddy' had left her mouth at the benches and she ran off, he knew he couldn't stay. Xigbar couldn't deal with facing his younger self, but he was really starting to remember this.

"These moments such as this are the hardest to see again, especially from a different perspective."

Xigbar turned to see the one who had brought him here. "How the fuck did we get here?!" he exclaimed. "None of this makes any God damn sense!"

The man just smiled. "Of course it makes sense," he said. "It only doesn't to you because this isn't the reality you normally live in."

"…what the fuck does that even mean?!"

"It means that you and I live in a different way," the man said. "You travel the worlds and time, but through a dark power. I have to use other means, usually a-"

"Who the fucking hell are you?!" Xigbar finally yelled.

"The Doctor."

That shut Xigbar up. He remembered a brief conversation with Luxord about a madman that could travel in time and space with a blue box. "Why did you bring me here?"

"You wanted to see her," the Doctor said. "And this was meant to happen. You remember that day as you just saw; your younger self had forgotten something, went to get it, and when you came back, Lily was lost. She came running up to you after you were looking for her for a few minutes, saying a 'pirate' had helped her find you."

No wonder this sounded familiar. Xigbar could remember that all now; all through lunch that day, Lily kept talking about the 'mysterious pirate' who wanted to help her.

"Whenever you visit her from now on," the Doctor started, placing a hand on Xigbar's shoulder. "Just remember that she was, in fact, a very extraordinary child. Don't be sad. One day, you may see her again. Maybe after your name isn't that anagram anymore."

"…you think it won't be?" Xigbar asked, a little suspicious. "I know how I'm gonna die."

"That so?"

"Yeah…I won't be whole again in my lifetime."

The Doctor scoffed. "We'll see about that then, shall we?" And with that, he took his hand away. "C'mon, it's time we got you back to your time. Don't want to be stuck in the past and all that."

Xigbar watched a moment as the Doctor started to walk away. He couldn't exactly explain what had just happened.

But…he was glad.


End file.
